When I Decided to Stop Writing

I Will Make You Fishers of Men

  “So the core landscape of history has been sketched by the pen and brush and words of those who invoke a divine creator’s involvement in our lives and who count on the ligatures of religion to bind up our wounds and help us hold things together.” 
-Elder Holland, "Bond by Loving Ties," Education Week 2016

I woke up two Saturdays ago and for the first time in eight years, I told myself I didn’t have to keep writing. I didn’t have to keep doing this to myself.  The life-crippling anxiety over publication schedules and being good enough or having smart or clever enough ideas, the online marketing, the need to produce something worth reading and then edit it and edit it again, all that, I didn’t have to do.

I read some middle grade and high school entries for Reflections a few weeks ago. Holding their raw words in my hands, it was as if I juggled pieces of aspirations, wishes, and hopes. I didn’t want to put a ranked number on that. How could I tell the girl who so openly shared her experiences with sexual abuse, a drug-addicted mother, and cutting, all before age thirteen, that because she didn’t have as good a grasp on language arts as the other kids in her category, her story wasn’t going to make it beyond the library where I sat reading it?

Maybe that experience was a step to where I was Saturday morning, remembering writing as the gift that saved me, wishing to go back to that time when I wrote, not because I needed to share things inside myself, but because I needed to meet myself. When did I decide I had to share, and why, after so many years, had I never looked back? Why had I kept putting myself, my flaws, my failures, out there for everyone to see? Why had I decided this was something I had to do? 

I turned writing over inside me, and really imagined life without it. I wanted to ask God if maybe it was time to give it up. Was this what I needed to free myself from what I saw as a trigger for failure in other areas of my life? 

On Sunday, I read Elder Holland's talk, The First Great Commandment from October, 2012 about the Twelve Apostles after Jesus Christ’s death, resurrection and ascension. I read about them giving up and going back fishing, and how the Savior found them and called them to the work a second time. 

As I read, I realized I couldn’t give up writing, not if I truly loved my Savior. I sort of knew that all along. I just needed to be reminded.

Writing is and has always been, a way God uses me to reach other people and help them. We all have strengths, ways our talents can help others. As safe and reassuring as it sounded to retreat to that place where I could be alone with my writing again, it was too much like the man who buried his talent, too much like the Apostles going back to fishing.

With God it’s never about just one soul. We are all interconnected. God gives us gifts. Sometimes the ability to write, or draw, or sing. Sometimes He gives us experiences that teach us love, joy, hurt, pain, or empathy. We experience, create, grow, and then He sends us out to help each other.

The words those teenagers wrote have changed me, even if no one else ever reads them. Like the thirteen-year-old girl who's story I can't forget, I cannot reach everyone with my words. Sometimes my stories stop with one or two readers. Jesus Christ alone knows how to reach everyone, and He sends the right people out to bring someone to Him. Where I cannot not reach with my stories, someone else can reach with theirs.

God is not up there keeping track of my forgotten comas and misspellings. He’s not even recording a list of the plot holes or character issues I didn’t fix the way a better author might. He teaches me a step at a time. From the beginning, He’s been using all I can give him, and turning it to good in miraculous ways. Even if what I give is imperfect, His grace gets me to the places He wants me to go.

This is why I haven’t considered stopping before. I know what I have isn’t perfect. I know it’s limited and childish, and I still have so much to learn.

But it’s His.

My gift is His. I will do everything I can to do something good with it. I will walk through the hard stuff, the “tear it apart and write it again” stuff, the “oops, I can’t believe I missed that detail” stuff. I will keep learning, keep walking, and I won’t be afraid of the future I can’t see yet.

I’ll do it so someday, the door that will open to me will reveal a thirteen-year-old girl who doesn’t think she can make it one more day on her own. My written words will be the words that God plants in her heart. She will reach out and I will, in my flawed, limited, author-like way, put her hand in His.

I’ve been blessed by His love. I’ve been changed by Him. I won’t look back. I won’t quit. I will do it for her. I will do it for Him. It’s no longer enough to do it for me.

Politics of Fear and a Culture of Heroes

 (As a side note, this is a post from my personal blog,  originally published this summer.)

Imagine my hesitation when I realized I was gearing up to write a political post. Me. A thirty-year-old woman in a tiny rental house with no credentials to my name. My job is stay-at-home-mom. I write books as a hobby. I teach 3 and 4-year-old kids every other Sunday and walk the same trail most mornings in a never ending loop.
I've never traveled outside of the US.
I've only been on a plane once.
I haven't even finished my degree yet. There's no reason to listen to me.
But.
None of that invalidates me. I may be small in the way of worldly sizing, but maybe, just maybe, that's what this post is going to be about. Size.

The heroes in our culture all started out small.
Luke Skywalker fought against the entire Empire with nothing on his side but a few rebels, an old spaceship, a smuggler, and a wookie.
Frodo set out to save Middle Earth with a group of nine that slowly dwindled down to two.
Harry Potter ultimately walked out to meet Lord Voldemort all alone.

We revere the courage of our heroes, admire their faith in the idea that good will prevail, and cheer them when they get back up after falling and keep going.
Is this only a thing of stories?

Maybe.

But the founding fathers were small in numbers when they wrote The Declaration of Independence.
Rosa Parks was just one woman on a bus.
And Miep Gies along with a few others who hid Anne Franks and her family weren't safe from the German government when they decided to do it anyway.

Every time I look, in stories everywhere, God is saving people, healing nations and making change in small ways with small numbers and small people. What a wonderful thing to be small!

When Israel was freed from Egypt, God sent one man with a staff.
When Haman conspired to have all the Jews killed, God sent a single woman before the king.
When our Heavenly Father wanted to save all His children, He sent a baby in a manger.

Do you believe in God's power? Do you believe in good? Do you really, really believe?
Do I?

One thing our heroes often have in common is courage in the face of fear. They do the right thing despite being afraid. If this is the common thread among our heroes, isn't it strange that I'm seeing the opposite preached in so many places?  There are voices telling me that being small and out numbered are a good enough reasons to abandon truth, honesty, kindness, humanity, and my own integrity.

Since when did the founding fathers add to the constitution "The President of the United States is first and foremost to serve their party and all who vote are really voting for a party not the man or woman?" My loyalty isn't to the party. Why can't my loyalty be to America? And the principles of compromise, logical discussion, and courage that our forefathers exemplified?

I grew up on heroes.
My teachers, my parents, my friends, maybe even you, fed me stories of one hero pitted against thousands.
But when the time comes to stand up.
When it's time to be that hero.
I'm told by some to fall in line.
Comply with the best chance numbers.
Act on fear.

No.
I won't do it.
I don't care if who I do vote for ends up losing. I don't care if the dreaded "other" party takes over as a result. I'm not going to fail prey to fear.

Why?

Because I want to look in my children's eyes and tell them I didn't back down when things got murky, confusing and hard. I want them to know I stood for kindness, compassion, honesty, and accountability.

I never want them ask me why I voted for someone I didn't believe in or feel good about and have to say it was because I was afraid, outnumbered, or that I simply gave up and joined the crowd.

I'm raising my children on heroes.
And I'm not going to be the person that lets them down.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

Do you remember singing this song?

"We will not retreat, though our numbers may be few 

when compared with the opposite host in view; 

But an unseen pow'r will aid me and you 

in the glorious cause of truth. 

Fear not though the enemy deride; 

courage, for the Lord is on our side. 

We will heed not what the wicked may say, 

but the Lord alone we will obey." 

(Let Us All Press On, Hymns, 243)

Do you believe that? I do!

No matter who you or I vote for, I hope you don't pick out of fear. Pick because you felt in your heart that it was the best choice. Do it with hope in a better tomorrow. Do it with gratitude for the founding fathers and for America.

And then. No matter who wins, no matter how dark things get, keep being the sort of hero that you want your children to admire. Still be kind. Still seek for truth before believing a rumor. Think and wait before passing judgment. Still stand for love, kindness, and humanity.

Think of this as our time to rise, our time to be heroes, to face our own incredible odds. Think of God and refuse to be guided by fear. To Him, numbers don't matter. Ever. Ask any bible hero; Daniel, Deborah, David. Ask the Nephites form the Book of Mormon. Ask Alma, Ammon, and Moroni.

And then go and be the your own sort of Luke, Frodo, or Harry. Because it's the right thing to do. Not because you'll always win, but because you are the sort of hero that believes in good and reaching for something better. Do it because you know that God will prevail in the end and that is the side you must know in your heart that you are on. Always.