Facing the Night

A year ago this time, I'd been through two recent miscarriages and was struggling to make sense of them. One night, my husband let the kids loose in the backyard after dark and we ended up joining them. Somehow, that time became a release for me and that night, I sat down and wrote about it in a notebook. I found the entry a few months ago and thought it would be a good post for October, a sort of reflection on how far I'd come in a year.

Not long after finding that entry, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. A year ago we were running through a backyard on a strangely warm October night. This Tuesday, I went with my husband to get his first blood transfusion.

I still think about the darkness I wrote about in that entry, how it somehow felt safe despite the blackness around us. Maybe it was knowing we were protected by the fence line, hearing the laughter of my children, or letting go of the need to see everything. I don't know for sure.

But I have found that in this new darkness, I've felt a similar comfort. A sense of safety, and even though I can't always see it with my eyes, a very real presence of love. So here is my entry, and I hope you can find the courage to face your unknowns with the knowledge that everything you need can be found through our Savior, who is a light in every dark place.


October, 2016

The sky is dark at seven, wrapping around us, quiet and embracing. October shouldn't be this warm. But I'll take it. Halloween costumes donned, the kids race into the backyard. We finally have a use for the glowing pink and green pumpkin flashlights I bought last year. No pretense. No crowds. Just a fence on three sides. Even the neighbors feel distant, faded. Here is our rectangle of grass, our space, made intimate by night.

I follow them in circles, running, running. My husband joins us. Pumpkin flashlights turn wizard's wand and light saber. A strange battle ensues. Harry Potter meets Darth Vader while my son cries stupefy and expelliarmus. For the three year old, giants and monsters are still enough to satisfy her need for adventure, especially if I'm the monster.

We play and things slip away. Unburdened, I laugh freely for the first time all day. It seems my body is stronger without the weight of day. I run longer than before. It's beautiful, uninhibited.

Something is here in the darkness, strength, and joy and love, even though I cannot see. The light of my children, the light I carry, gleams even brighter against this blackness. Why have I been so afraid of the unknown? It's everything I need.

Ten steps to creating the perfect writing space

If I were to ask you what you imagine your perfect writing space to be like, how would you answer? Obviously, each of us would offer different visions. But one thing we probably could agree on is this: if your space feels right, you would be a more productive writer. It certainly has been the case for me.

My own writing space has been a work in progress for the past five years. Like our house before this one, I have been blessed that I can have a home office. I used it initially for my memoir-ghostwriting business, and now almost exclusively for novel-writing. It has French doors to let in the light, 12-foot high ceilings, and calming chocolate brown walls that show off white furniture and accents.

My main writing desk and area

First, I started with a DIY desk. I looked through IKEA and Pottery Barn catalogs for inspiration. I wanted my desk to have built in shelves for books, and have it bar-height. I got white laminate for the top and cube shelves from Home Depot. I bought the barstools from a guy who works in a downtown Salt Lake City jewelry store and the red lamp from IKEA.

I keep this white shelf-desk clutter free. This has really helped me focus on just being creative and not have that oppressed feeling of being behind or not getting my to-do lists done. I do a purge every few days to make sure I get rid of clutter. Yes, even post-it notes have to go. On the other side of the desk, where you can't see from this angle, I put loose manuscripts and any other piles.

The brown-stained armoire is a carry-over from my former home office. I love it; our family stores all sorts of supplies in it, but they are hidden. Recently, I got the five-drawer dresser for a steal from a local crafter, who already did the work of painting and “chipping” it. It replaced a sad plastic dresser that squeaked miserably when we pulled open the drawers.

For the art on the wall, I decided to use photos of Dublin doors from a trip in Ireland in 2014. Trying to measure, space, and drill holes for frames in a precise location on this very symmetrical grid was a bear, I tell you. But the end result turned out lovely. The frames are ones I found on sale at a craft store.

Another de-cluttering tool: a second, built-in desk in a closet (though I never close the doors). The desk is a granite slab that we had put in when we had the house built. I got the tan chair from Target. On this desk, I charge my devices, put my sticky notes, receipts to record, and desk supplies that I want to keep handy. The shelves carry binders of my novel manuscripts and other papers, stashes of snacks (gum), and baskets of electronics.

My closet desk

Here are 10 steps I did to create that perfect writing space:

1. Get rid of clutter. I used to have boxes of my paperbacks under my window. Finally, one day, I condensed the books and stored them discreetly in the corner. It was amazing how much easier I coul focus when I am not looking at clutter.

2. Hide clutter in pretty furniture. They will provide you a visual pleasure while being useful.

3. Hang art that you love and which will have a timeless quality. Don’t settle for cliched art or art that doesn’t make you truly happy. Remember, this is your space and whatever you put on the walls will influence what you put out creatively.

4. Hunt for bargains. Your office furniture doesn’t have to break the bank. Wait a while to get a good piece, if you have to save up for it. Go for used and scour thrift stores. Ask your family for furniture that they have stored in a basement and repurpose them.

5. Purge every so often. Go through your shelves and cupboards and get rid of stuff you haven’t touched in a while. You will feel better with the additional space and your stuff (if donated) will find a home that will appreciate them.

6. Set the mood with lighting. Try closing your blinds and turning on lamps to get that cocoon feeling that can incubate your writing.

7. If you can, have someone wire outlets so you can minimize cords snaking all over. When I designed the layout of my office, I had the electrician put the outlets near the middle of the room, so that the cords could stay close to my equipment.

8.Hang a clock where you can see it. This will keep you on track as you work at your desk.

9. Pick a color scheme/style and stick to it. Whether you want a vibrant, muted, classic, or funky look, pick details that promote this theme. Your space will feel more streamlined and put-together. Your brain will appreciate the symmetry, even if you can't quite articulate why it's pleasing.

10. Ask your family members to respect your space. Don’t let family clutter migrate to it.

Though these steps won’t happen overnight, they are worth striving for. A workspace that is perfect for you will help you be a happier and more productive writer.

I Am Brave

This summer I did something I've wanted to do for a long time. I held a writer's camp for young writers. One of the things we talked about was being brave enough to write. They told me the things that scare them about writing or sharing things they write. We talked about how to overcome some of those doubts. I found myself being pretty honest with them. I'm a published author, but yes, I still get scared. I still worry that my words will be judged, they won't be good enough, they won't say what I'm trying to say deep inside myself.

I'm still afraid of writing. But I published two books this year.

In fact I was sort of afraid of doing a young author camp. I'm so glad I did it anyway. I loved it more than I realized I would.

This year has given me several firsts. My first young author camp. And in a another fit of crazy bravery, I applied to present for the first time ever at a writer's conference. I was so scared I almost didn't do it.

But guess what? I was accepted! (Kanab Writers Conference, if you are curious.)

This last month has given me other firsts. Some that had nothing to do with writing, but with living. With having family that get sick, end up in the hospital, or maybe get cancer.

I've been so scared.

Life gives us things like that. Things that are scary deep down inside us. They leave us vulnerable, shaking, cold, and sometimes just too overwhelmed to do anything, even cry. But when we face those fears, when we step outside ourselves, step forward on trembling legs, and be honest with ourselves and others, we find things we need.

We say "I'm afraid. But I'm still doing this."

"I cried last night. But today I'm ready to face this again."

A sweet family member who I love very much recently told me, "It's no sin to feel angry. It's no sin to feel scared. You will be. That's okay."

It's okay to feel those things, to have fears, to stand in that inky blackness of despair and self doubt. Stand there for a moment. Feel it inside you, and acknowledge it.

And then tell yourself you're brave enough to keep going.

You are. And in a wonderful, incredible twist of life, you standing there in your doubt and fears for a moment changes you, deepens you, makes you, and who you are and how you see the world that much better. You've passed through the fire of this experience. You know. You understand. But don't stay there. Take the next step forward, do the thing you fear, face the thing you want but only dream of doing, realize you are strong even when you're scared. I never saw myself doing the things I'm doing now, but I am. I am braver than I realized. And so are you.

As my father's daughter

Photo: me and my dad

Old age is a thief. With its accomplice, cancer, they threaten to eclipse the memories I have of my dad when he was younger and in better health.

Dad’s 77 now. He spends most of his day in bed, his legs raised on a block to avoid blood clots. His mind is alert, but just getting from upstairs to downstairs two little flights of steps, he collapses into a chair and his pulse takes several minutes to settle. For breathing, he is tethered to an oxygen tube that snakes around his house.

It was Sunday and we brought dinner over. Dad had requested adobo, a Philippine stewed chicken dish whose savory flavors come from a marinade of soy sauce, vinegar, peppercorn, garlic, and bay leaves. I had fixed that and pansit canton (Filipino chow mein) while my sweet hubby made beef nilaga using a good fatty cut of chuck roast. We also brought rolls, the buttery soft kind Dad likes. Dad got out of bed to enjoy dinner with us. Thankfully, he wasn't nauseous like other days.

Mom tirelessly serves him, dishing up his food, inquiring after his comfort. She is a marvel in herself, a subject worthy of an essay another day.

It’s hard to remember when the last time Dad was healthy. Probably at least ten years, and we have almost lost him several times. There was that time at intensive care when he lay hooked up to a breathing tube. I stood there holding his cold, stiff hand, to say goodbye. He fought back and lived to see another day.

And boy is he a fighter.

On that Sunday, I glimpsed again the father to whom I owe my love of music and the written word. Who raised me to exercise creativity and independent thinking.

He has a gadget named Alexa, a little black cylinder which follows his commands for music or information as long as there is wi-fi. He’s asked Alexa to pull up a Neil Diamond song and he bobs his head and sings along to it. He may be an older man in his body, but his vigor is evident once again. He thrills over a YouTube video that my youngest shared with him, an extended cut of Pomp & Circumstance (the graduation march song).

He still has an insatiable thirst for learning. When I was young, he would take me and my siblings to the British Embassy, along old stone mansions and tree-lined avenues, so we could read and imagine in its air-conditioned library. I trace back my love of books to those magical Saturdays. Now, he no longer has the stamina to read long books, but his mind is still sharp, discussing things that he’s gathered from the news or the Internet.

Old age and cancer might attempt to eclipse all that, but the sun is still there, in all its glory. So I’m putting these villains on notice, defying them as my father's daughter--

With every book that I put out, every poem I write, every work of art I create, my dad will shine on.

Editing with Balance

I've missed months of posting on this blog. I've been publishing a couple books. But now I'm trying to bring my life back into balance.

My husband laughs when I say things like that. Sigh. He has reasons.

I've noticed certain obsessive habits while writing this round of books, and especially in the edits for my fiction book. This is how one obsession started: I was advised by several well meaning writers about the dangers of "dialogue tags," "ly" words, and using anything but "said" if you had to use a tag.

The result of this was: I wrote an entire book without using more than maybe two saids.

Yep. Me and those action tags became good friends. (Smile, nod, shrug. I've got them down.) And I prefered it that way. I saw other writers using "said" and worse "something besides said" and it stuck out to me. I'd plucked them out of my own writing and now they were like red flags in any story I read.

And then my editor got a hold of my book. Bless her.

She gently began inserting "said" and other dialogue tags into my book. I struggled over each one. A single word, and it was crazy how crazy it made me. Then she pointed out my over abundant use of questions in my novel. I read a few articles about using questions in the narrative, discovered most of mine were adding to the dreaded "show don't tell" issue and began cutting them all out. My editor again gently reminded me that some questions were good. Some were needed.

I'm discovering this part of me I hadn't realized could be so obsessive. I don't really have all the answers. I feel torn between opinions and ideas about how to write and what makes writing good. I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't so much about not ever using something, but learning about what is, what it does, and deciding for yourself if and where you want it in your book. It's time to try harder to really understand this language I use to create stories. It's the language I've spoken my whole life and so much comes by instinct, but when it's time to edit, I need to make sure I understand the medium I've been using. What I want for my future books is control of where I put words, and knowledge of why I put them in.

The last few weeks, I've said hello to the word "said" again. I will venture to say I'm finding my balance. At least in writing. In the rest of my life, well, that's a whole other struggle. But I did make dinner and do the dishes last night. So progress . . .

How to turn a vacation into a book

Two titles in my contemporary travel romance series

I love traveling. I started by moving from the Philippines to Utah at age 15 and I haven’t stopped since. We have been blessed as a family with opportunities because my husband gets to go on a lot of conferences (and I get to tag along), we choose to invest in travel, and we are able to schedule the time off.

This past summer, we were able to go to Morocco for five days, as part of a Southern Spain/Morocco trip. I had fully intended to collect enough material to put into a book, and I did. For about two weeks, I knocked out a 20k word romance novella, Saffron Summer. Next, I plan to write A day in Paris, which is based on a literal day I spent with my husband there for our 22nd wedding anniversary. Other places I plan to write about: Seville, Spain; Ireland; Aruba; Grenada; and the Philippines. My bucket list for both travel and books: Italy, South Korea, China, and Greece.

If you’ve ever thought about turning a vacation into a book (fiction or non-fiction), here are some things that are cool about it:

It’s tax-deductible. Our accountant says we may be eligible to write off 20 per cent of our trips' expenses because I base my books on them. If you write a book within a certain time period, I believe it’s either one or two years, you can write it off. (Be sure to check with your accountant.)

It is easier to conjure up a book cover. I am not a pro cover artist by any means, but I like dabbling in it. I have hired pro artists before, and ultimately, I give them an idea that works for my cover, so I figure, why not save the money and try to make it myself? Especially for mock-ups. For the third book in the series, I am thinking of setting “An Irishman’s Promise” in Ireland. Having been there, some cover elements came to mind easily: rain, umbrella, doors (Dublin), lush green, rain boots.

It gives you license to imagine "what could have been" in your vacation destinations. Once, when we went to Grenada, an older man gave me shells from his shell collection. I’ve always wondered about his own personal story. Now I can imagine it via a novel.

You pay more attention when you travel. When I go someplace, I like being up at sunrise and pay attention to sensory details. I remember little things like the prayer call in Morocco five times a day and the pealing of church bells in Sevilla. At the end of each day, without fail, where I’ve stayed up all night if need be, I write in my journal for hours, so that I could remember the experience, and it’s been invaluable to helping me with the setting for my novels. Even my historical novels benefit from this.

Going someplace is tons more fun than Internet research. I am not knocking Internet research, because it’s amazing what is out there. But if you’re going to write about churros dipped in chocolate on a street side café in a Spanish enclave in North Africa, why not go there in person?

You meet interesting people who make great characters in your books. Nothing reveals someone’s character better than traveling with them nearly 24/7. We’ve gone on several guided tours with people whom I have based characters on. It’s a great opportunity for people watching.

It’s a great way to relive your trip. As I wrote about Morocco in Saffron Summer, memories rushed back. It was as though I was there again. When I sat down to read the manuscript all the way through, I had so much fun. I am excited to relive the first time I saw the Eiffel Tower in A day in Paris.

You learn a lot. This is obvious, but until you get out of your comfort zone and experience other cultures, you don’t realize how little you know about yourself, the world and how other cultures live. Since I never know what material I will need I tend to be one of those slightly-pesky tourists who ask twenty questions on guided tours so I am usually overflowing with facts about a place.

You are contributing to the world’s travel knowledge. Even though what you might write is fiction, if it is couched in truth, you are revealing some neat things about other countries and cultures to your readers who might, by choice or opportunity, not be able to travel to the places you’ve been.

The unexpected blessings of blogging daily

I blogged about Emmie, my little writing buddy.

A week ago, I decided to blog daily. Well, technically speaking, I set a goal of blogging every week day, but so far, I have posted something every day, even on the weekends. I had been neglecting my website blog lately, and I wanted to provide content on my Facebook author page. Thus, I made this goal: to post on my blog, then copy that post onto my Facebook author page daily.

Days one to three weren’t too bad. I just wrote about some things that were happening in my life, somewhat tied into writing. My background was journalism before I went into novel-writing, so it’s been fun to go back to writing short non-fiction pieces again. I also like taking photos so I use some of them for what amounts to photo-essays. By day four, however, I felt like I was running out of material. Thankfully, by the end of each day, I could usually come up with "something interesting" or “something I learned.”

My titles, so far:

-Saying yes…by saying no

-Why I didn’t write today

-My little writing buddy

-Breaking writer’s block

-A great day

-How to sprint through a manuscript

-A minimalist approach to creating

Blogging daily has blessed my life, and I wholeheartedly recommend this to those of you who want to establish a platform and strengthen your writing chops. Here are some things I have learned:

1. It can be done.
2. Not everything has to be earth-shattering, but surprisingly, my days have been more interesting than I expected.
3. I became more observant so I could have material; I had more material because I was more observant.
4. Once you commit the time, it is easier to maintain a daily blog than a sporadic blog.
5. The daily habit of writing helped my other writing, too. It’s like priming the pump for my fiction.
6. My Facebook author page followers liked or responded to my non-writing posts just as much, if not more, as my writing-related posts.
7. On Facebook, I saw more engagement in terms of likes and people seeing my posts.
8. I’ve had people share some of my what-I-learned writing posts.
9. It’s fun to see what I can write. It’s like flash non-fiction.
10. Adding photos (mine or I get free ones from pixabay.com) makes the post more appealing.
11. Usually, I write in my journal (I type my entries on the computer), then use passages for my blog posts so I am not creating extra work.

Sometimes, I wonder if anyone reads my writing, or if a couple of likes is enough to justify spilling my guts out there for everyone to see. However, the way I see it, writing is transformative, not just for the reader, but for the writer. I’ll take the blessings how they come.