Facing the Night

A year ago this time, I'd been through two recent miscarriages and was struggling to make sense of them. One night, my husband let the kids loose in the backyard after dark and we ended up joining them. Somehow, that time became a release for me and that night, I sat down and wrote about it in a notebook. I found the entry a few months ago and thought it would be a good post for October, a sort of reflection on how far I'd come in a year.

Not long after finding that entry, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. A year ago we were running through a backyard on a strangely warm October night. This Tuesday, I went with my husband to get his first blood transfusion.

I still think about the darkness I wrote about in that entry, how it somehow felt safe despite the blackness around us. Maybe it was knowing we were protected by the fence line, hearing the laughter of my children, or letting go of the need to see everything. I don't know for sure.

But I have found that in this new darkness, I've felt a similar comfort. A sense of safety, and even though I can't always see it with my eyes, a very real presence of love. So here is my entry, and I hope you can find the courage to face your unknowns with the knowledge that everything you need can be found through our Savior, who is a light in every dark place.


October, 2016

The sky is dark at seven, wrapping around us, quiet and embracing. October shouldn't be this warm. But I'll take it. Halloween costumes donned, the kids race into the backyard. We finally have a use for the glowing pink and green pumpkin flashlights I bought last year. No pretense. No crowds. Just a fence on three sides. Even the neighbors feel distant, faded. Here is our rectangle of grass, our space, made intimate by night.

I follow them in circles, running, running. My husband joins us. Pumpkin flashlights turn wizard's wand and light saber. A strange battle ensues. Harry Potter meets Darth Vader while my son cries stupefy and expelliarmus. For the three year old, giants and monsters are still enough to satisfy her need for adventure, especially if I'm the monster.

We play and things slip away. Unburdened, I laugh freely for the first time all day. It seems my body is stronger without the weight of day. I run longer than before. It's beautiful, uninhibited.

Something is here in the darkness, strength, and joy and love, even though I cannot see. The light of my children, the light I carry, gleams even brighter against this blackness. Why have I been so afraid of the unknown? It's everything I need.

Ten steps to creating the perfect writing space

If I were to ask you what you imagine your perfect writing space to be like, how would you answer? Obviously, each of us would offer different visions. But one thing we probably could agree on is this: if your space feels right, you would be a more productive writer. It certainly has been the case for me.

My own writing space has been a work in progress for the past five years. Like our house before this one, I have been blessed that I can have a home office. I used it initially for my memoir-ghostwriting business, and now almost exclusively for novel-writing. It has French doors to let in the light, 12-foot high ceilings, and calming chocolate brown walls that show off white furniture and accents.

My main writing desk and area

First, I started with a DIY desk. I looked through IKEA and Pottery Barn catalogs for inspiration. I wanted my desk to have built in shelves for books, and have it bar-height. I got white laminate for the top and cube shelves from Home Depot. I bought the barstools from a guy who works in a downtown Salt Lake City jewelry store and the red lamp from IKEA.

I keep this white shelf-desk clutter free. This has really helped me focus on just being creative and not have that oppressed feeling of being behind or not getting my to-do lists done. I do a purge every few days to make sure I get rid of clutter. Yes, even post-it notes have to go. On the other side of the desk, where you can't see from this angle, I put loose manuscripts and any other piles.

The brown-stained armoire is a carry-over from my former home office. I love it; our family stores all sorts of supplies in it, but they are hidden. Recently, I got the five-drawer dresser for a steal from a local crafter, who already did the work of painting and “chipping” it. It replaced a sad plastic dresser that squeaked miserably when we pulled open the drawers.

For the art on the wall, I decided to use photos of Dublin doors from a trip in Ireland in 2014. Trying to measure, space, and drill holes for frames in a precise location on this very symmetrical grid was a bear, I tell you. But the end result turned out lovely. The frames are ones I found on sale at a craft store.

Another de-cluttering tool: a second, built-in desk in a closet (though I never close the doors). The desk is a granite slab that we had put in when we had the house built. I got the tan chair from Target. On this desk, I charge my devices, put my sticky notes, receipts to record, and desk supplies that I want to keep handy. The shelves carry binders of my novel manuscripts and other papers, stashes of snacks (gum), and baskets of electronics.

My closet desk

Here are 10 steps I did to create that perfect writing space:

1. Get rid of clutter. I used to have boxes of my paperbacks under my window. Finally, one day, I condensed the books and stored them discreetly in the corner. It was amazing how much easier I coul focus when I am not looking at clutter.

2. Hide clutter in pretty furniture. They will provide you a visual pleasure while being useful.

3. Hang art that you love and which will have a timeless quality. Don’t settle for cliched art or art that doesn’t make you truly happy. Remember, this is your space and whatever you put on the walls will influence what you put out creatively.

4. Hunt for bargains. Your office furniture doesn’t have to break the bank. Wait a while to get a good piece, if you have to save up for it. Go for used and scour thrift stores. Ask your family for furniture that they have stored in a basement and repurpose them.

5. Purge every so often. Go through your shelves and cupboards and get rid of stuff you haven’t touched in a while. You will feel better with the additional space and your stuff (if donated) will find a home that will appreciate them.

6. Set the mood with lighting. Try closing your blinds and turning on lamps to get that cocoon feeling that can incubate your writing.

7. If you can, have someone wire outlets so you can minimize cords snaking all over. When I designed the layout of my office, I had the electrician put the outlets near the middle of the room, so that the cords could stay close to my equipment.

8.Hang a clock where you can see it. This will keep you on track as you work at your desk.

9. Pick a color scheme/style and stick to it. Whether you want a vibrant, muted, classic, or funky look, pick details that promote this theme. Your space will feel more streamlined and put-together. Your brain will appreciate the symmetry, even if you can't quite articulate why it's pleasing.

10. Ask your family members to respect your space. Don’t let family clutter migrate to it.

Though these steps won’t happen overnight, they are worth striving for. A workspace that is perfect for you will help you be a happier and more productive writer.